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Jeff Vorva's Im-PRESS-ions: Here is the cowboy who is going to fix the USA

  • Written by Jeff Vorva

 

Jeffs Col Impressions

 

Gather ‘round the campfire cowpokes and I’ll tell you a story about the sheriff who is going to fix America.

See, there is this cowboy in Bealeton Virginia named Chris DeCarlo and he’s running for his county’s office of sheriff because he wants to “fix America.’’

His campaign people sent the Reporter a press release on quality stock paper in the real mail and they spelled my name right (bonus points!). The one side of the page is complete with a drawing of a cowboy on a horse and an American flag with the slogan “The sheriff to fix America.’’

OK.

I want to see America fixed.

Sounds like a pretty good idea to me.

The trouble is that most of you reading this live in the south suburbs of Chicago and can’t vote for the man. Why he is spending valuable money sending these flyers to goofs like me and other editors across the nation is a puzzle but I’m glad he did.

The other side is a copy of the campaign speech he made earlier this month at the Fauquier County Fair (I can’t make this stuff up, folks).

Maybe we’re spoiled here, watching some of our candidates make their speeches in places like the soon-to-be-closed Lexington House in Hickory Hills and other fancy banquet and hotel venues.

But Mr. DeCarlo made his announcement at an event that also featured a meat goat show, Rosaire’s Racing Pigs, a Marvelous Mutts  show, a “bedazzle your bra” contest, a chicken parade, camel rides, a livestock obstacle course, a watermelon seed spitting contest, a barnyard beauty contest, zucchini races, a corn hole tournament and much, much more including a Tracy Lawrence concert.

It’s hard to take that announcement seriously, but if that’s the audience he is trying to reach…

Anyway, I want to know how a guy who is throwing his hat in the ring at the place where people are spitting watermelon seeds while the womenfolk are having their bras bedazzled is going to fix America.

This is what he said:

“As your sheriff I will fix America by arresting Virginia’s elected officials that accept contributions charging them with bribery, treason and sedition.

“I will charge them as traitors for trading access to the power you have placed with them. I will charge them with treason because they are violating their oath of office and articles of the Virginia Constitution in an official capacity. And I will charge them with sedition for conspiring with their contributors to allow the power and greed of money to overthrow the governments of the people.

“Article 2, Section 7 of the Virginia Constitution provides sheriffs, via a sworn oath and the power of arrest with standing to protect the power the Constitutions give you. So what do you think? Do campaign contributions dilute your power to control your governments? Do contributions serve the common good? Can and should the sheriff arrest elected officials for bribery, treason and sedition?

“November 3rd is your chance to answer these three questions with your one vote. As your chief law enforcement officer in Fauquier County my authority will supersede that of any State or Federal officer.

“As your elected sheriff I will have your authorization to proceed against these at large villains and declare them ‘Most Wanted.’ Please tell your friends to support this campaign and vote so the deputies and I can jail these privileged at-large criminals with all the others and fix America.’’

He also has a cute campaign slogan of “Don’t just throw the bums out, I’ll lock ‘em up.’’

So there you have it, folks. Vanquish a few scummy Virginia politicians and put them in a cell with Big Bubba and all will be right with America. Inflation will come down. Crime rates will disappear. Gas prices will be about a buck a gallon. Unemployment will be nonexistent. We will all have quality health insurance.

 Mr. DeCarlo also has a rap video on YouTube called “Democracy Rides Again” that you have to see to believe. He looks a little older in the video than he does in the drawing of him on the horse.

I kind of hope he gets elected just for the comedy of watching him and his deputies ride up on a horse to the state house ready to cuff the bad guys in suits.

This guy is Virginia’s version of Donald Trump. He is a candidate who is going against the grain and breaking convention. Is he dead serious or his this all an Andy Kaufman-like spoof? Is this guy Andy Kaufman, who some believe is still alive?

Anyway, we can all laugh at DeCarlo like we have been laughing at Trump.

But have you seen how Trump is doing in the latest polls?