Menu

Jeff Vorva's Im-PRESS-ions: Don't trust anybody -- not even June Cleaver

  • Written by Jeff Vorva

 

Jeffs Col Impressions

 

Former professional ‘rassler Stone Cold Steve Austin had the right idea.

The anti-hero hero would lull you into a false sense of security and might even graciously stick his meaty paw out for you to shake. Then when you are ready to shake hands with the man, he kicks you in the walnuts and gives you a stunner and you flop around like a dying fish.

Then he laughs and screams at you “DTA! Don’t trust anybody!”

The World Wrestling Association even sold t-shirts with that phrase on it.

DTA.

Even those you think you can trust.

In recent months, a couple of folks with seemingly clean images have been accused of things that might even embarrass Bill Clinton or Tiger Woods.

Bill Cosby and Dennis Hastert.

What a pair.

Cosby was the comedian/actor who not only made us laugh, he would get on his high horse morally. Publically, he was considered a good guy. He talked a good game. He had pointed advice for anyone who wanted to listen.

Then news broke that he was involved in a variety of sexual assaults with young women. Apparently Hollywood insiders knew what was allegedly going on but it was a pretty tight secret to the rest of the world. Last week, word leaked that he had admitted via court records of drugging up women so he could have sex with them.

Now we have Mr. Hastert.

He was one of us – a guy from suburban Chicago. He graduated from Wheaton College, which has the reputation of being religious, moral and proper. He was a teacher and wrestling coach then dabbled in politics.

I remember growing up and hearing some of his speeches and he sounded impressive. The man said he was someone you could believe in because he wasn’t a true politician. He was just a teacher and coach from Illinois.

He was a man you could trust.

I wasn’t the only one impressed. The sometimes gruff, sometimes folksy Hastert was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1987.

It was almost a “Mr. Smith Goes to Washington’’ scenario.

He worked his way up to Speaker of the House. But in 2007, he was done with politics and fell out of the limelight and we forgot all about him.

Until…

Well, you know the rest. An ugly story about alleged sexual misconduct with young boys – some at the high school he taught and coached at – just keeps getting worse.

DTA.

Heck, you can’t even trust June Cleaver from “Leave it to Beaver” or Alice the maid from “The Brady Bunch” for goodness sakes.

Cleaver is considered the 100-percent pure All-American mom. Surely you could trust her, right?

Well, there was one episode in which she made a group of boys some sandwiches. Troublemaker Eddie Haskell requested that his sandwich should be free of mayonnaise because he is allergic.

If anyone deserves a beatdown or some bad karma to come his way, it’s that rascal Haskell. And June was out for vengeance – Cleaver style.

Eddie shoved Beaver around while Mrs. Pure was looking outside the window and June fumed. So she muttered something about putting mayo of Eddie sammich and painted the bread with a big dose of mayo. Later in the episode, we found out Eddie had to go home early because he was ill.

Geez, June – what if the kid died from your spite sandwich?

Now, it could be argued that Eddie was not too bright to even take one bite of a sandwich filled with something that would be hazardous to his health, but he trusted Mrs. Cleaver.

He should have listened to Austin.

Alice, the simple but pure-hearted maid from the Brady Bunch, was also involved in some deception when she and some of the kids went door-to-door to have neighbors sign a petition to save a park.

The kids got nowhere with one crabby guy but Alice took a crack at him with some come-hither looks and flirting. After the guy signed the petition, sweet Alice purred that she would come over that night and that the man could cook steaks and pop open some champagne.

Once the guy got all Cosby with desire, wholesome Alice then singed him and said she would bring her boyfriend along.

Ouch.

DTA

In this age of cynicism, nothing should surprise us anymore. But what are we going to find next? Dirt on the Pope? Tell-all stories about the late Mother Teresa?

There are not a lot of people we can place our trust in anymore. Maybe close friends and family. As for the the rest of the world? The skeletons in the closet have grown into big, fat monsters.

Maybe the only person we can trust is Stone Cold Steve Austin.

His advice is making the most sense.