Jeff Vorva's ImPRESSions: Say hello to my little gift

  • Written by Jeff Vorva

 Jeffs Col ImpressionsI don’t believe in Christmas in July,Page-1-1-col-refer-Page-3-with-jv-colscarface gnome but it’s the final day of the month, and I found the perfect oddball gift if you want to get some early, early, early holiday shopping done.

This treasure comes from the Patriot Depot website, which offers “supplies for the conservative revolution.”
Now, I’m not a political guy, and I probably wouldn’t hang with people who wear shirts that say “Don’t Tread on Me”.
But I do know what makes me laugh. offers a .50 caliber bullet pen for $17.95, which just might be a little too overpriced for my taste. I like my pens free.
It also offers a spiffy BBQ gun lighter – M-16 edition – for $13.95. That’s not a bad price.
But the must-have gift would have to be a “Say hello to my little friend” garden gnome for $18.95.
The Patriot propaganda on this 9.5-inch bad boy says: “This gnome means business.  Anyone who enters your backyard will be greeted by Scarface the gnome, holding a gun and featuring the famous Al Pacino quote: ‘Say hello to my little friend.’ Guaranteed 100 percent effective against Zombie Gnomes.’’
Anyway, the thing looks funny and what tough-guy gardener wouldn’t be proud to have this gnome protecting the pansies or veggies?

Giving a Hoot

The Miss Hooters International award for 2014 went to Florida’s Janet Layug,a fitness model who won Page-1-2-col-pic-hooters-girl-copyHooters waitress and calendar girl Kelly Bronson participated in the Miss Hooters International Competition in Las Vegas. Photo by Michele Vasquez.Miss FLEX Bikini honors a year ago. She is a professional model and has entered this contest for the past couple of years so you might say she had a Layug up on the competition.
One of the other competitors in the event, which took place last Wednesday in Las Vagas, was Evergreen Park native Kelly Bronson, who works at the Hooters in Oak Lawn.
We ran a story on Bronson in our July 17 edition and she is not a model. She is a waitress with a son and the deck seemed stacked against her. But in her Facebook entry, she was gracious.
“Thank you to everyone who pushed for me during this whole journey of mine,” she wrote. “Evben though I didn’t place…this isn’t the end. Now I’m going to feast and enjoy eating greasy burgers and pizza…’’
And she finished it off with 16 exclamation points.

Don’t try this on the air

So with radio legend Dick Biondi coming to Crestwood for the Battle in the Burbs event a few Sundays ago, I thought I would take a look at his loooong career.
According to Wikipedia (so you know it has to be true), Biondi was working for a station in Buffalo, New York, WKBW in 1958.
He got a little ticked at his boss and joked on the air that fans should throw rocks at the boss’s car. Biondi described the boss’s car on the air and told his faithful listeners where the guy would be driving.
Well, someone did fire rocks at the car and the next day, Biondi was fired.

Eating like a dog

My favorite press release this month comes from Milo’s Kitchen:
It sayeth: “Building on the massively popular Chicago food truck trend, Milo’s Kitchen brand dog treats is launching Chicago’s first mobile food experience for dogs and their pet parents.
“With planned stops at the Windy City Pet Expo -- plus additional visits to 15 major metropolitan areas across the U.S. [] -- the Milo’s Kitchen Treat Truck will offer all of Chicago’s gour-mutts the chance to:

* Taste real chicken and beef home-style dog treats like Chicken Meatballs and Grilled Burger Bites -- all proudly made in the USA with 100 percent domestically-sourced meat and no artificial colors or flavors.
* Take a free family photo or “doggie selfie” (does this collar make me look cute?) in a professional canine-ready photo booth.
* Socialize with other four-legged friends in the backyard-style lapdog lounge
* Take a relaxing ‘walk break’ with dog beds, drinking bowls and puppy toys
* Bring home a doggie bag of tasty treats for lucky labs and hungry hounds
“The Milo’s Kitchen Treat Truck is free to the public.’’
Gour-mutts? Now that’s funny.